I was asked today if I had a boyfriend.
I answered no. I would have answered no regardless of my relationship
status the reason being, quite simply, that I can't abide the term.
Following a long term relationship I vowed that I would never have a
boyfriend or conversely be somebodies 'girlfriend' again. This wasn't
a vow to singledom, a bitter casting off of relationships, this was
simply that I had the opportunity to start fresh with how I
approached and understood relationships. Part of that was eschewing
the X-friend terminology. It's a term I have loathed for years and I
am determined not to fall into the easy habits of using it again. Let
me talk you through why.
Girls and boys or men and women
First and foremost, I find it to be
infantising. I'm not a girl any more; I'm an adult, a woman. The
people I choose to have relationships with are also adults. Our
relationships are adult. I don't want to have a romantic or sexual
relationship with a child, with a little boy or a little girl. I want
to have a relationship with a peer. Yes ages may vary, and maturity
isn't necessary defined by the chronological age of a person, but I
still want to be confident that I can describe my relationship as an
adult one. A relationship without boys or girls.
Just 'girls' and 'boys'?
You can have a girlfriend and you can
have a boyfriend. What about if you are a person who is gender queer,
gender neutral or intersex? What if you are in a relationship with
somebody who doesn't fit neatly into that gender binary. When common
terminology like girlfriend and boyfriend is used it excludes a whole
host of people and their relationships.
“This is my genderqueerfriend.”
doesn't quite roll of the tongue, and gives the impression that it is
an asexual, aromantic relationship. You know, a friendship.
The “friends” thing
The X-friend terminology carries with
it the implication that you can only be friends with somebody of the
'opposite' gender if you are also in a romantic and/or sexual
relationship with them. This reinforces stereotypes that men and
women, or girls and boys, are different, two discreet groups that are
to different to mingle freely.
You will occasionally hear 'girlfriend'
being applied to platonic female/female friendships (a generally
American usage I believe); I don't think I have ever heard boyfriend
being applied to a male/male platonic relationship. Likewise who
would use boy/girlfriend to apply to a platonic hetero relationship?
Further confusion comes when we realise that this also relies on
heteronormative preconceptions of relationships which may vary by
culture; a man referring to a boyfriend is almost certainly going to
be considered in a homosexual relationship where as a woman referring
to her girlfriend may be in a homosexual romantic relationship or a
platonic friendship depending on the prevailing culture.
Non-traditional relationship structures
The standard relationship structure in
the UK is one of long term monogamy; for many individuals though, that
simply isn't the structure that works for them. Polyamory, open
relationships and other forms of non-monogamy are becoming
increasingly accepted and explored relationship structures as people
try and find away of having relationships that satisfies their needs and
doesn't end in divorce or long periods of uncomfortable compromise.
Girl/boyfriend are terms that have been around for over a century and
have almost exclusively (especially in the latter half of the 20th
C) been used to refer to ones monogamous romantic partner. As soon as
you move away from that two person relationship dynamic, language
becomes even more complex. The term isn't easily or comfortably
applied to some romantic and/or sexual partners without considering
how you label all individuals in the arrangement. If you have
different types of relationship with different people, a single term
might not fit all yet you risk alienating or hurting individuals by
applying the term to one and not to another. This is multiplied when
the public perception of a word carries significance that is at odds
to your own personal situation.
[Of course a majority of people are
perfectly happy with long term monogamy, have no qualms about making
it work and have no need or desire to explore other formats. That's
cool, I'm just looking at other groups for this particular point.]
Alternative language
This is where I fall apart somewhat:
trying to find a suitable alternative for a word firmly lodged in my
and other's lexicon.
Partner – it is delightfully gender
neutral, contains more gravitas than boy/girlfriend, and is
reasonably malleable to fit different situations. The problem is I
find it a little to serious and stolid, not really suiting more
casual relationships and flirtations. It still has the baggage of
long term monogamy attached which doesn't suit all. It's just a
little too business like and formal for my tastes.
Lover – A term that makes me cringe
somewhat with it's kitschy undertones and suggestion of
illicit boardroom affairs. But it is gender neutral and is free from
the bounds of traditional relationship structures and less heavy and
demanding than 'partner'. That means of course that it's less heavy
and demanding than partner, perhaps not feeling right for a more
committed relationship.
Paramour – Bizarrely I find this less
kitschy than lover, though it still has many of the same pros and
cons. It is somewhat sweater than lover, and for me doesn't have the
association with an illicit affair.
Beau – My main issue with this is
that I never really know how to pronounce it. It is a term I am most
familiar with being applied to younger people, and thus risks
becoming slightly more childish, not categorised as a 'real'
relationship. That being said it is pleasingly neutral (though I
believe is intended to refer to a male partner) with an affection
that is lacking from love and partner.
That's it, those are the only
alternatives I can think of and none are quite satisfactory. I'm wary
of creating entirely new words. Yes I understand that that's how
language develops but the intentionally created word often seems
trite and forced – compersion a word created by the poly community
to cover the pleasure you take in one of your partners enjoying
another relationship is an example of this; lovely definition, yet
the word leaves me utterly cold.
The other question to ask is do we need
these labels and terms at all, can the ubiquitous boy/girlfriend be
ditched in a mass slewing of definitions, labels and terms. Well
maybe, perhaps we can focus more on describing the individual and the
personal nature of the relationship and try not to fit into the boxes
defined by particular words. The fact remains however, that sometimes
we want an easy, simple and compact word or phrase for ease of
communication and that those words can be a part of the relationship
itself.
I am loathe to produce a piece that
complains about an issue without offering a viable solution but the
fact remains that as of yet, I don't have one. All I am sure of is
that I don't want to be your girlfriend.
